Originally I was going to write about how to be a good Christian but then what do I know of that? I’ve spent years of my life developing my expertise in the opposite area so that’s what I’m going to write the guide on.
Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, I present to you: The Idiot’s Guide to being a Rubbish Christian
Let’s start with the basics and you don’t get any more basic than reading your Bible. Initially I was going to recommend you didn’t read it all but then if you don’t even do that what’s the difference between you and the heathen?
No, to avoid feelings of guilt it is best to do some Bible reading. But this chore can easily be circumvented. First, read the Bible at irregular times, you’ll be more likely to forget this way but you can still feel better about having planned to read the Bible. Second thing is to read the Bible in a place or at a time when distractions abound. This makes the reading go very quickly and generally stops you from having concentrate on what you read.
Another fantastic piece of advice I’ve found that works is to read the Bible as quickly as you possibly can. Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, do not try and apply Bible passages to your own life and circumstances. Read it like you would read a trashy novel – in one ear and out the other.
Oh, and if you come to a bit you don’t understand I won’t recommend seeking advice. It’s probably not meant to be understood or you’re not intelligent to understand. Definitely don’t pray before you read the Bible, it could lead to all sorts of trouble.
You’ll hear of some people who memorise scripture. They’re abnormal freaks. You’ve got far too much to do and too little time on your hand to invest any energy into doing that.