After the fun I had writing ‘How to be a Rubbish Christian’ it was only a matter of time before I put on my satire hat, wound up my irony generator and exercised my sarcasm muscle again. So I present to you: How to be a Rubbish Man (or If I were a Boy)
Course, I should probably explain why you’d want to read this guide in the first place. Being a man is hard work. It’s connected with things like responsibility, integrity, duty, discipline, courage, steadfastness, maturity and the ilk. These things are boring! It requires so much effort to display these in your character that you may as well give up before you even start. Being a man is too hard. Being a Rubbish Man is easy. Being a Rubbish Man involves being a boy and that requires so much less effort. As Paul writes:
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”
1 Corinthians 13 v 11
The task of a Rubbish Man is to never put childish things behind him. The perfect Rubbish Man finds that sweet spot known as Kidult or adultlescence. The Rubbish Man is a child in an adult’s body and with an adult’s passions.
This is probably sounding pretty negative but that’s only because as a would be Rubbish Man your intelligence probably isn’t up to noticing the beauty of being a boy not a man so I’ll spell it out for you: NO RESPONSIBILITY! No stress, no hassle, no worries, no need to step up to the mark and be tested just a life of idleness, pleasure and ease. Sound good? You betcha, so let’s get right on in and learn how to be the perfect Rubbish Man, in other words, how to be a boy:
If I were a boy, even just for the day I’d…
…do nothing with my life
Job? Who needs a job? A job requires getting up in the morning, it requires work. Urgh, boys don’t work. Life is a holiday! The Rubbish Man spends his life watching TV, levelling his World of Warcraft alt and in general escaping from all the mundane realities of life.
The Rubbish Man has no vision for his life, no point in his existence, no conviction that drives him. A boy spends his day in play and a Rubbish Man does the same pausing not to consider weightier matters.
…live the student life
Ah, if there was ever a time in life suited to the Rubbish Man it’s that of a student. Especially art degree students. Life can be spent in idleness and mirth, missing deadlines, lectures and tutorials and generally just wasting the golden opportunity of getting a good degree.
Party all day, party all night, work not at all. The Rubbish Man goes to university for the sole reason of living the student life and doing nothing else of purpose.
…work to the exclusion of all else
Some guys are constitutionally incapable of not working. As such they must take the over extreme which is to devote every waking moment to studying. These Rubbish Men aren’t going to try anything new, they’re not going to take up any extra curricular activities, they’re going to mix in a limited social circle and generally miss out on all the opportunities university offers. Not for these boys are the joys of going to a fancy dress party dressed as marmite man, of having to face new social situations, of the varied and interesting facets of life.
A Rubbish Man will define himself by work and in doing so will find his life consumed by it.
Swearing is cool. Swearing makes you sound intelligent, edgy and manly. Swearing also expresses the infinite complexities of a boy’s vocabulary. As a Rubbish Man you will be well aware that making every third work a profanity will impress everyone.
…have no or weak convictions
Convictions require strength to hold. Convictions are what men die for. Convictions shape the world. All great men in history had a conviction.
So it is quite obvious that a Rubbish Man has no convictions. A Rubbish Man sees the courage a conviction requires and is to cowardly to hold one. Convictions are for men and not for boys and as such Rubbish Men struggle to cope.
Because when it gets down to it then convictions require work. It means doing something for the sole and only reason that it is the right thing to do. It requires bearing pain, suffering and mockery because you’d rather die than let your conviction go. Can a Rubbish Man have the strength and courage to do this? I think not.
…never ever lead
Man was created to be a leader. Headship is a particular quality that every man should have. But not the Rubbish Man. With leadership comes responsibility and that’s top of the avoidance list. Leadership can be a heavy and often isolated burden to bear and the Rubbish Man will have none of it.
This is true in general and true particularly in relationships. So let’s move onto that…
…be incapable of being in a God honouring relationship
It’s quite simple really: the Rubbish Man refuses to fulfil his role in a relationship. He neither pursues a woman or acts as the head of a relationship. A Rubbish Man is weak and allows the woman to dictate the pace, form and function of a relationship because that’s both the easy and lazy option.
If he is single a Rubbish Man will expect a woman to fall into his lap. He will make no effort to woo, court or otherwise pursue a woman. He will not make his intentions explicit. He will hide behind other friends, half baked efforts of pursuit, confusing signals and deceit. He is a failure, a coward and a child. And he is so because he fears rejection, he fears responsibility, he fears women, he fears a lot of things but he does not fear God.
If he somehow stumbles into a relationship the Rubbish Man is lax, weak and makes no effort to fulfil his biblical role of being the head of a relationship. Or, even worse, he won’t treat the woman as she deserves. He won’t respect, honour or love his girlfriend. Instead he’ll either be an authoritarian dolt and not be the loving head of a relationship he should be or, more likely, he’ll not be a leader at all and the woman will have to be the responsible one.
The Rubbish Man cannot fail but attain to a Rubbish Relationship and he has no one but himself to blame. Only men are ready for relationships as Driscoll so wonderfully puts it. And a Rubbish Man is a boy not a man.
… never admit to being wrong or admit to having flaws
If you are attempting to be a Rubbish Man you must hide your insecurities and low self esteem behind a colossal pride and vanity. You are NEVER wrong. You will NEVER admit to making mistakes. You will NEVER take the blame that is rightly yours. You will go through life refusing to see anything bad in your character and refusing to work on your character flaws because, in your opinion, you have no flaws.
… never express emotion
Emotions are for women. Keanu Reeves is a role model here.
…be a cry baby
Oh no! Minor emotional difficultly. Time to cry! BOO HOO!
…never know Job 38:3 or Joshua 1:9
Dress for action like a man. Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you do.
…never put God first
The Rubbish Man knows that the most dangerous influence on him is prolonged exposure to correctly taught Christian doctrine. In terms of sheer manning up ability the Bible is a book like none other. It is fraught with numerous examples of great men of faith. As such the Rubbish Man studiously avoids it.
Indeed, the Rubbish Man involves all contact God neither praying, going to church regularly or studying the truths of the Bible. Such jobs are require too much effort and may be challenging and the last thing a Rubbish Man wants is to be challenged.
…never live a fulfilling life
If you do go down the route of being a Rubbish Man then remember that if you take no responsibility, if you lack courage, strength and steadfastness, if you are weak, lazy and immature then your life will suck.
You’ll never amount to anything, you’ll never be satisfied, your life will be a waste, worthless and pathetic. You were created by God to be a man. Not a boy. The process of moving between the two is called growing up. It’s largely underrated.
How shall I put this another way…
“And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies.”
Hebrews 11 v 32 – 34
The passage here is talking about faith but here’s a key point: the people mentioned were MEN of faith. Not boys. They were MEN of God. Not boys. They were MEN. They grew up and put childish ways behind them. And with God by their side look at what they did! Read it again. How totally awesome are their deeds?
So if you want to be a Rubbish Man then I’ve told you how. It’s only a basic guide but the principles of avoiding responsibility, difficulties, leadership, duty and challenges are good. Follow these and you’ll always be a Rubbish Man, you’ll always be a boy.
Or you could follow the alternative, grow up and become a man. I’m growing up as we speak…its hard work and I fail a whole lot but you know what I’ve never once wished I was a boy again. Although easier it just wasn’t enough. My main aim in life is to a Man of God. Not a boy because God ha called and created me to be a man. It tough going and I'm no where near there and it will be a tast that takes my whole life. But it's going to be a blast.
“Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”
1 Corinthians 16 v 13